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name change

Finally found a new username, hihi! So, bye Feuerwind, you were a nice nickname for a loooong time, but it's time to move on.

My 2012...?

I wanted to write something like „This was my 2012“, but thinking about it - there’s not much to tell. Nothing happened, end of story. xD
Well, of course ‚nothing‘ is not correct, but nothing worth enough to be told here. Work sucks as usual, and I have to fight a lot. After suffering from depressions and burnout in 2009/2010 I have to do twice as much as the others just to show that I’m worth the same…

I talked to a few persons for the first time in 2012, and I’ve enjoyed it. I’m happy to have them in my life, even if they are far away or busy as me or… whatever.
Basically, human beings still scare me. I can’t help it, fear is part of me and probably always will be. Sometimes I can live with it without problems, sometimes I just want to hide in my flat and die lonely. I just feel humble, minor, things like that…
There are some people who I have to think about very often, three persons to be precise. I wonder how they are, if there’s anything I could do for them, I think that I’d like to talk to them much more… but I don’t say any of this aloud. I’m afraid that people (especially those three) might forget me or stop liking me. (I don’t worry about all people I know, of course. Either I don’t care or I know that they are my friends, easy as that, haha!) Welcome to my madness!

I wanted to do many things last year, but I did none of them. Most of the time it wasn’t even my fault. ^^; I should just stop to look forward to something… since 2007 it’s a 100%-way to ruin things. That’s why I won’t look forward to 2013. I want to travel (after being stuck here for such a long time), but I won’t look forward to vacations until I’m really in a plane. Or a train, car, whatever brings me away from here. And I want to go to a concert again. I haven't heard live music for soooo long. *sobs*

There are also some things I want to chance, but I won’t make any New Year resolutions. I think – if you really want to change something, start now. No excuse to wait until next year. I’ve already paved the way for several things, and I hope I’ll be strong enough… I just have to. I feel it’s now or never. I want to meet people and feel ‚equal‘. It’s not possible at the moment, it’s up to me to change that.
I‘ve already quit smoking, so wish me luck for the rest of my list… *scared*

Well, one reason why 2013 will be great no matter what: Iron Man 3 ftw!! xD Oh, I love Iron Man... <3

See? Nothing interesting. But this also means that nothing really bad happened...

Want some cheese to the whine?

Just a short "my life sucks"-entry. Had to get rid of the thoughts somehow, so why not here?

My body is weak. My mind is weak. I’ve been feeling dizzy for a couple of days now. Work, sleep, work, sleep. I have to hang on until Friday… but my spirit is low.

There are so many things I’d like to do, but I won’t make it to do all of them in three weeks.
I want to talk to a few people… I think. Not sure here.
I want to read the book about singing which I’ve bought two weeks ago. And many other books.
I want to take a walk in the woods with my buddy Robbie (our Collie).
I want chocolate cake. And a steak. (Not at once.)
I want to watch my Avengers-BluRay (didn’t make it to watch the movie in a cinema… orz).
I want to play games (Pandaria inc!)
I want to draw.
I want to think about some people – should I stop caring about them, because it feels one-sided and will not lead anywhere?
…..Too many things.
Most important: I want to feel free for a while. Maybe I’ll do all of the things I want to do, maybe none of them – but it will be my choice, not „Urgh no time work work tired“.

I still read twitter and see posts on Facebook, and yes, it’s mean, but sometimes it pisses me off. Being stuck at work, only having time to check sims social once on a while, is depressing. On Facebook I see posts of people travelling, cooking, talking to each other. This is when I feel very, very lonely.
I’m just a lurker, unable to reach any of those nice people. But I can’t stop reading posts and tweets. It’s masochistic.

Maybe I’ll just disappear for a while. ... As if I could, I'm too curious. Kyaaa~~~

Gackt - 10 years

This morning I remembered that I ‚know‘ Gackt for 10 years now. This text here won’t have much structure as I’ll just write down some thoughts and memories (and I have more and more problems to express myself in English… orz).

Like I said, I first heard about Gackt 10 years ago. Of course I don’t remember the exact date, but it was around September 2002. I didn’t know much about Japanese music these days - I listened to X Japan a lot, that’s all.
I remember that I’ve read a magazine about Japanese culture (most of it about anime and manga xD) in Sep 2002. There was also a report about Gackt and his Moon-project in that magazine. I was fascinated at once and started to search for more informations on the internet. The first song I heard was Oasis. I thought „Oh my god, that’s it!!!“ (Whatever ‚it‘ is - I still don't know.) That was when I became a supporter of Gackt.

I’ve met many artists of Japanese music industry (working voluntarily at an anime convention can be helpful, haha). I know a lot about the business – not enough, I guess, but definetely more than an average person. It was… disenchanting in some way, but I’m happy about it. I don’t write love letters or stare at photos, I don’t daydream or cry when my favorite artist ‚suddenly‘ has a girlfriend. It makes my life easier. ^^

In 2009 I became very ill. It was hell. The world was just a dark place for me. I suffered. My family suffered. I lost my will to fight. During this time I was living in an own world, I didn’t know what was going on outside of it. Nothing. I listened to news, but I didn’t understand them. My family tried to cheer me up, but I wasn’t able to laugh.
Well, I just write this for you to understand at least a bit what I was like back then.
Obviously I’m still here. I decided to fight against the darkness and all diseases. I laughed again. I apperceived what happens around me. That was in spring 2010. It was (and still is) a slow process, but at least there was process at all.
During all this time I’ve listened to Gackt’s music, even though I’ve had no clue what he was doing back then. (I’ve also watched too many Disney movies this time, but that’s another story.)
On July 4th 2010 I thought „Oh right, G’s birthday! I wonder what he’s been doing…“ So I started to search for news on the internet and found out that YFCz were doing a tour through Europe in July 2010. Haha, I was soooo shocked! xD „Whaaaat, this month?!?!“ Of course the tour was already sold out, and because of my health I was broke anyway.
When I told my Mum about the tour, she gave me 200 Euro saying „Look at eBay for tickets, rent a hotel room, buy a train ticket! It’s your dream to see Gackt live, right? This is the chance, take it!“ (Oh Mum, you are the best.)

So I went to Bochum to see the concert on July 24th. It was my last weekend in ‚freedom‘, because on July 26th I had to go back to work – after 10 months at home (in hell). I was scared because of this, and I didn’t really want to go to work again, but of course I had to… so this concert was perfect distraction.
This weekend in Bochum means very, very much to me (5-6 of you know why). It was a dream coming true. It was fun, I laughed a lot. Some strange things have happened (I just mention ‚lady in wheelchair‘ here) as well as very wonderful things. This was probably the time when I knew that Gackt would always be in my heart.

I’ve met so many wonderful people during these 10 years. Hooray to the internet! People who are strong, people who help other fans to get stuff without having any benefit of it, people who take you the way you are... I'm thankful for that.

I know some people here are no fans of him anymore (for a variety of reasons). And I understand most of the reasons why people turn their backs on him. I… can’t.
I’m a member of Dears FC, even though I hardly understand Japanese. Every year I wonder if it was okay not to renew the membership, but… I’m still a member, I don’t have the heart to resign membership.

The Moon Saga-project is something which I don’t really get – maybe because I don’t have a chance to see it. (Damn, I love CLAMP!)

… I’ve mentioned it in the past – he’s far away at the moment, in every meaning of the word. But he’s not gone. For me he’ll always be there - an everything but perfect, dorky, hard working big brother.

At first I wondered if I should mail him and thank him for the past 10 years, but... I don't know, what could I write? I'm not good at writing mails (or any texts in general), so... no mail this time, haha!

I don’t write texts like this very often. I even don’t know if it’s right to write this LJ-entry, it's a bit embarrassing. But as 10 years is a long time, it's nice to look back and to remember. And it’s nice to look forward to whatever will come.
I hope I can see a Visualive one day, even though it’s not very likely. I also have some questions (I’ve mentioned it in a previous post), but I’m giving up on hope that I’ll ever get an answer to them.

Well... I planned to spend vacations in Sweden this year, but I have the sense that it won't happen - so I'll probably save the money for a trip to Japan. Just in case. ^^;

... okay, this is really a chaotic text. *laughs*

random stuff

When I created this LJ in 2001, I had to find a nickname. Feuerwind (Firewind) was the first option, because a) I like wind and b) it reminded me of Tasuki (Fushigi Yûgi). That simple, that silly. Since a couple of years I’ve been looking for a new nickname, something containing ‚wind‘ - but I didn’t have an idea yet. It’s just… I still love Tasuki, but I don’t like fire. xD It’s bright and hot. I don’t like heat. I like rain, night, the sky, flying, listening to the heartbeat oft he wind…
But let’s face the truth, I’m not really a creative person, so I’ll probably be Feuerwind forever.

Another topic: senior citizens. These days they are a royal pain in the ass. If going on pension means „The only thing I do is controlling all people around me, make notes of everything they do wrong and then terrorize them and also agencies / administration / police with it as often as I can“ – then I want to work forever. Honestly.
At the moment I work for the regulatory authority (ist hat term correct?) and deal with weapons and stuff like that most of the time. The colleague who’s in the same office like me is responsible for dogs (barking, biting, peeing… whatever). Today there were three old people here, every single one complained over 30 min how evil the neighbor’s dog was.. and how evil this and that neighbor is, how evil landlords are, all that stuff. One man was special – he thinks that a female neighbor was weird (just because light is turned on around 1am and she doesn’t open the door when he rings (I wouldn’t either!!!)) , and so he hired a private detective to find out more about her. I mean, hello?!?! He really thinks it’s his right to do so!
My colleague was calm, but I was close to going postal. Those people get on my nerves soooooo much. Damn, get a hobby!

Random babbling

Usually I don't remember the dreams I have, maybe 1-2 times a year. So it's weird that I remember the dreams of the last two nights. Moreover, those dreams have been alike. It was like a fantasy story, a boy and a girl fighting an evil man. (Quite new story, huh? Haha, I know. I just don't want to bother anyone with more details.) Of course I'm wondering if there's a meaning behind this, or if my mind is just making fun of me.

On June 25th I've had a surgery. The surgery itself took around 15 minutes, but the wound is healing veeery slowly. Well, at least I'm off work until July 10th... but it's very boring to be at home all the time, not being able to move a lot. It's sore, and I'm stressed because of that once in a while. Well, it could be worse. Just that stupid boredom... I'm reading a lot, also playing computer games (love my notebook), but I also have too much time to think about my life.

Usually my life is like 'work and sleep' plus not enough free time. Now that I'm at home I've realized that I don't have a 'real' hobby. I could draw, but at the moment I don't know what to draw. So I'm doing senseless stuff... like using an online mmorpg as a kind of economy simulation and destroying the economy of my server. Not really creative, but another thing on my "what I am able to do"-list. Heh. (^_^)v

Well, having time to read every entry on Facebook from friends, family and co-workers it's weird to see what most of them have become. Many people are married and have children, while I'm still the same as I've been a few years ago. Many people made it to the top (career-wise), I'm just trying to survive at work. The list is endless. I'm not sure if it's good or bad that I am different. I never wanted to be like 'everybody else', but there's definetely some pressure. "What, you're still not married?" "Don't you think about children?" "Oh, still no promotion?" As if I was ill and needed to be cured. Pfff.

So... Last month I've had birthday. It was very interesting to see who remembered it and who didn't. Some people I haven't talked to for a long time wrote mails, other people didn't write anything (which did hurt a bit). I don't care much about birthdays, but that's an interesting thing for me.

Gosh, how I miss it. The smell of ramen shops. The bottles of warm coffee from 7/11. Manju. Shibuya. Harajuku. 音羽山清水寺. Standing in front of roadmaps not being able to understand any of it. Even people taking a nap on your shoulder on the train. Kids starting at you as you were from mars.
I've been there only once for three weeks in 2005. I've printed many photos and put them into an album, which I like to look in once in a while.
I could go there at once (well, don't have a passport at the moment, but that's no real problem). But not like I am now. They're all so thin there... Yes, I know, everybody can do something against overweight, but believe me, at the moment I can't. Not only because of the wounds all over my body, but also because of my hormonal balance (which is not working properly because of my damaged thyroid). I'll go to another hospital next month to get help, but I won't lose 20-30kg that quickly. I wonder if I'll ever make it to go to Japan again. This is stupid.

I owe him a lot. I'm a supporter since 2003, and his music has helped me in the darkest time of my life. That's nothing but the truth.
Recently I'm under the impression that some long-time followers are turning away from him - they still like him, but they don't care that much anymore. I myself feel a kind of distance... yes of course, I don't really know him in person, but he feels so far away for a while now. *sighs* Hard to explain, and I guess nobody's interested in that anyway.
There's still one damn thing that I want to know of him, just one thing which has been bothering me for two years already. (Sorry, won't mention here what I mean, it's personal - and has nothing to do with Jessica Alba-double ICONIQ ;D.) It drives me crazy, but I have no clue how... ah, nevermind.
And I want to see Moon Saga. :(

... I should really take care of my LJ's style soon. Not cool like that. Oo


People and Fukushima

I live in a city, where most of the people have a liberal attitude (or communistic, left, green, whatever you call it). As I’m rather a conservative type, I learned to remain silent whenever there are discussions at work or in a café.

Yesterday there was a memorial... something installed in front of the city hall, in memory of Fukushima. (The name of the place in front of the city hall is called “Hiroshimaplatz”. How ironic.)

Okay, it’s nice to do something. But nevertheless I’m really pissed.


All people talk about is Fukushima, danger of atomic power plants and that Germany should shut down all of them at once. (Yes, at once – those people don’t even want to think about what would happen after that or where to get all the energy from which is needed for this country – import more electricity generated by nuclear power from France, maybe? It takes time to build alternative sources, and yes, we should have started a long time ago to look for alternatives, damn it… But that’s another topic.)

Fukushima and anti-nuclear movement everywhere. But:

What about the people who lost their homes because of the tsunami? What about the people who lost friends and family? What about the animals which were left behind? Whole towns were erased, so much agony and sorrow happened last year – and all they talk about is Fukushima and nuclear stuff. It makes me sick. Is that all you stupid radical environmental activists care about? At least mention the victims!


I can't believe that my LJ's 11 years old. That's A LOT.
Sure, I didn't write a lot on my own, but I always enjoyed reading blogs here. Some of the people on my friends-list I do know from the very start, and it's so interesting to see how their lives have changed.
Some of the old friends have left this place. Sometimes I wonder how they are now and if everything's okay.
Did I change? A bit, maybe. When I read my old entries I just have to laugh. Good that I didn't delete them. I've had some good moments so far, really... I need to be reminded of that fact once in a while. ;)
But other things... For example, some years ago I was so against marriage and having an own family... Now I know that I was wrong for many reasons. This is something I'd like to tell gekka_no_neko, but I guess she's also gone. Hey, if you ever come back and accidentially read this: I was sooo stupid! ;D (Haha, maybe she wouldn't even remember what I'm talking about... whatever!)
...It's hard to see how BAD my English is compared to 10 years ago. I've had an A+ back in school! Honestly!! I swear, dudes!
I also met some people here who I really like a lot, most of them are (or were) Gackt-fans. These days I can't make up my mind what to think of Gackt and his statements, but his fans are nice - at least those who have an own LJ. xD
Hmm... I hope I'll have this LJ for another couple of years. (And I hope this "it works-oh offline again-it work... not it doesn't" will stop soon!!!)

The last days have been quite busy, so this will be just a short update. xD

Sending out christmas cards was fun this year (still don't know if all ppl I've send one to did already get it).
My Mum got a special E-card this year from a friend. This friend's spent 20 swiss Franken for an organization and by this bought some chickens. Those chickens will be given to poor villages in Africa and Asia… something like that. I asked my Mum to send me a link to this organization, but I still didn't get it. Pfff.
However, as this is also a nice way to say "merry xmas" I'll keep that in mind for next year.

For two nights I had to take care of my sister's puppy, Jaques. He is the devil. ;0; He doesn't listen to what humans say, and biting in everything within his reach is his greatest hobby. Go to toilet for 2 min, come back and be sure to find a mess. He finds paper or plushies, even though you thing you've put everything aside. And he likes to keep people up the whole night (and then he snores… wow…). My sleeping habits changed because of those two nights, I fall asleep at 5am and wake up around 1pm. I've tried to use alarm clock in order to change that, but I'm so tired that I just don't hear it. *sighs* Will have to get that right before my vacations are over, or else I'll be in trouble…

I'll spend New Year's Eve alone with my boyfriend. We've got invitations to some parties, but somehow this year we don't want to join the "who-had-the-biggest-and-best-party"-crew. We'll stay at home, cook a nice dinner and watch Lord of the Rings. Or something else. Whatever. ^^

Sooo... even if it's a day too early, I wish you a happy new year. May your dreams come true, have the strength to move on and put your heart into things you want to accomplish. Everything is possible! <3


From here: http://www.planetbuzo.com/astrology/birthday-profiles/jun17.php
(seen at Ren's LJ first, hehe)
Somehow.. it's quite accurate! Not everything of course, but.. a lot.

Your Birthday: 17th of June

Personal ruling planets: Mercury, Saturn
Lucky colours: Deep blue, black
Lucky gems: Blue sapphire, lapis lazuli, amethyst
Lucky days: Wednesday, Friday, Saturday
Lucky numbers: 8, 17, 26, 35, 44, 53, 62, 71

Your past haunts you and the greatest challenge for you is to break free from hold it has over you. You possess high level of concentration and deep intuition and these very qualities bound you to things you want to forget. At times you feel that people are indifferent towards you and ignore you. Remember you get what you give to the world. Learn to change your attitude and you will see a change for the better.

You are blessed with financial security and will never face a problem on that front. You need to work on your relationships as that is an area that can be a real test to you.

Say yes to: Forgiveness, a joyous heart, attention to detail

Don't give in to: Flights of fancy, irresponsibility, ingratitude

Children & Family
June 17 people often have an unusual view of family life, based on their upbringing. When they do choose to become a parent, they need the full support and loving help of their mate in order to make them feel secure in handling the many responsibilities of parenthood.

June 17 people have a rather low level of resistance and may be likely to catch colds and flu easily. They have a healthy appetite but may have trouble gaining weight.

Career & Finances
June 17 people flourish in careers as physicians, surgeons, dentists, and nutritionists. These individuals also make good accountants, bankers, brokers, and lawyers. In financial matters, they would rather save money than spend it. They are not adventurous as investors and prefer the safe route.

Dreams & Goals
June 17 individuals are ambitious yet worry about overstepping their abilities and being disappointed. They need to learn that if they are ever going to get everything they desire out of life, they will have to take risks. They are not particularly humanitarian but have a natural understanding of the way in which each individual owes his or her good fortune to humankind.

You share your birthday with: Igor Stravinski, M.C. Escher, Ralph Bellamy, Red Foley, John Hersey, Barry Manilow, Venus Williams and Greg Kinnear.

"What kind of TV show is your life?"

You Are a Crime Drama

You may seem quiet and withdrawn, but you're paying attention to every single thing around you.

You intuitively understand people. You are an amazing listener.

You are very tightly-wound. You can get completely wrapped up in your job.

You're the type of person who always finishes what you start. You like to wrap things up completely.

Haha, cool.

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